MartaMe: Funktified 1.10.19

Somebody on this train has this whole car stinking!!! Smelling like 100+ pounds of getback! This little girl in front of me is alternating between counting down their stops and whining “I can’t breathe”!🤭😩😩 She pointed out the culprit😳…damn kids.😂😂😂 Her mom scolded her. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here with my face tightly wrapped watching folks reactions as they get on. Po folks think they lucked up on a seat. Watching those smiles quickly go to surprise and then all frowned up…baaaaaabbbbeeeee.😂😂😂😂

I’m going to track some reactions for the next few stops:

– I hope these folks don’t think it’s my kids. (I actually did think it was her baby when I got on.😬)

– walked on and walked right back off🚶🏽‍♀️🚶🏽‍♀️

– walked on and discussed getting off at the next stop. Got off at next stop🤭🤔🚶🏽‍♀️ This was the number 1 reaction.

– Just said, “GOTDAMN!” and moved way down the car😷➡️➡️

Hold up – the little girl just asked her mom if she could put her earbuds in her nose. Poor baby.😂😂😂😂😂

More reactions watching:

– This shit stinks!

– My skin is too sensitive for this shit!

– Awwww hell naw!

– Oooohhhhhhhh (followed by a quick U-turn)

– I can’t

– This is not working for me

– Anybody got any air freshener

– lady walks down aisle spraying perfume…some thanked her. I can’t smell either way so 🤷🏽‍♀️

– bumping all into each other trying to get off before the doors closed once that smell hit them. 😂

– faces as they get on:😕😟😒😳🥵😖🤭😧😲😷🤢🙊😠

I am not laughing at the individual because I don’t know his story, but he doesn’t look like he smells. Perhaps that’s why folks are so surprised. But, the reactions and u-turns being made are hella comical!!!↩️😂😂😂😂 real tears are running down my face as I try to suppress my laughter at these folks’ reactions.😭😭😭 Luckily, he slept through it all.

Meanwhile, I can’t smell a damn thing because my face is wrapped so tightly and my airtamer is in full affect. If I pass out, it’s my own damn fault.😂😂😂😂😂


Man Down!!! And, by man, I mean ME

I don’t even know where to start with yesterday’s commute. I guess I should start with WORST COMMUNTE EVER!!! I left work a little bit late, so I knew I would not make my normal train. But, the heartache began when I reached the top of the escalator just in time to see the next train pull off. 😞 I decided to sit for a while because the next train should’ve been there in 10 minutes or less. About 6 minutes in, I decided to get up to claim my spot on the platform. Little did I know the next train would not arrive until 25 minutes. A voice kept coming on the speaker about every 30 seconds but no one knew wtf he was saying. I started calling family to let them know what was going on. I remember my mom saying there were several tornado warnings for the north…where I was. 😦 LOL But, I couldn’t even process that because I started getting sharp pains on my right side and a serious cold sweat was gearing up. My mind started racing – “Dot better not be trying to come back – she was just here last week…is it food poison…what if it’s appendicitis…I better not die on a MARTA platform!” Y’all see how fast that escalated?😒

When the train finally arrived, it was packed. I did not care where I sat as long as I had a seat. The train took a while to pull off and just as I thought, “maybe I should get off and go back to work – it would be safer if I really passed out”, the doors closed and the train pulled off. I don’t remember much about the ride except I started breaking out in a serious, trickling sweat, my glasses started fogging, and I felt like I was losing consciousness. I do remember thinking I did not want to be on the train if that happened. I popped a mint in my mouth hoping it would give me a cooling sensation. That shit didn’t work – the commercials lie. When we arrived to the second stop, the train just sat with the doors open. After sitting with the doors open for about 5 minutes, I decided to attempt walking off. Everything was a blur and I had to look crazy af to anyone watching. My goal was to make it off the train before the doors closed, find anything cold to stretch out on, and land on my purse if I passed out. Like that would be in my control. But, thinking about my purse gave me something to focus on as I took what was probably only 30 steps to get off the train to the bench. That felt like the longest walk of my life. I kid you not – I thought about the Mr. Krab confused meme because everyone was a blur to me.   Each step was a victory.

I had a flashback to when I was in high school at the Bowie State college tour. Something similar happened and they found me stretched out in the stairwell…face planted on the nasty floor. I remember just needing to be on something cold. That’s why getting to that bench slab was so important to me. I didn’t care how I looked or how gross the cold anything would be. My goal was to get there and keep my purse safe.

When I finally reached the slab, I was pretty much blinded by the combination of dizziness and super fogged glasses. While all of this was going on, I remember my mother calling me a few times. I just remember telling her. “I cannot talk anymore and track my phone– that’s how you will find me.” I can’t even imagine what she was going through, but I now know she hit up everyone trying to see who could get to me first, including the people at the train station. I sat pressed against the cool slab clutching my purse for I don’t how long. I don’t know if I ever lost consciousness or not. I eventually thought to remove my light sweater and was thinking about coming out of my shirt. The cool slab started working. I was still sweating profusely on my face, neck, chest, and back. But, I found my voice again and turned my head to the lady sitting on my left. I said to her in what felt like a whisper, “please help me, I feel like I am going to pass out…get help.” I remember her asking questions but I couldn’t make them out. What I could hear was the dude next to me smacking up a storm and sucking his teeth so damn loud! I turned to look at him and when I turned back, the lady was gone. I never saw her again. In the meantime, my mom called again asking what I was wearing so that the folks at Marta could find me. As I sat, sprawled all out yet trying to look normal, the smacking and sucking man engaged me in conversation. He started asking if I was okay and what was wrong as he continued to try to suck every tooth out of his head. The cool slab and him talking to me started making me feel better. He kept offering me some of his chicken lo mein and I thought I was going to throw up right there. I don’t eat chicken lo mein when I am feeling regular and the thought of it on my knotting stomach was just too much too much for me. 🤢 But, his kindness was much appreciated…even through all the teeth sucking. He offered me some of his drink and I thanked him but told him I had my own. He started joking with me – asked me if seeing him out of the train window was what got me feeling so hot. I told him that was probably it and I had to get off to sit by him. LOL Around that time, I saw a Marta police walking back and forth squinting. I kinda gave the wrong description of what I was wearing. We got her attention and she sat beside me and kept asking a bunch of questions. One was if I wanted an ambulance. For some reason, I was adamantly against it. Probably because I remembered this happening before 20+ years ago. I asked her if she could help me to a rest room. I just kept thinking I would end up on the ground…pissy. That is not how I want to go viral. 🤳🏽🤳🏽🤳🏽 Yeah – I still had some irrational vanity.

The train doors finally rang and as it began to close, I wondered if I could make it. The mind is funny in these situation – irrationally rational.

The officer lead me to a bathroom – she was very patient with my baby steps. Crazy me thought because it was a locked bathroom, it was going to be in decent condition.   Maannn – I was looking for Ned the Wino in the corner while I attempted to pee. It was all cement and just dingy af. But, even with all that I kept thinking it looks sooo cold and would feel so good against my skin. Yes, I think I was delirious by then because I was starting to build up another serious internal fire and sweat was starting to drench my face and shirt again. Hygiene was no longer on the top of my list. I even picked up the bottle of whatever on the sink (with no top) and dumped it on my hand in an attempt to get clean. It was waaaay too watery. That almost took me out. I just wanted to die right there…in the dingy, dank Marta bathroom.

I eventually exited the bathroom and the officer asked me if I was okay to continue walking and if I was sure I did not want an ambulance. I declined again. I told her I could walk but slowly. I felt if I could just keep putting one foot in front of the other, I could make it to the finish line…I really do watch too much TV. She began talking to me. She told me my mom was a really nice, persistent lady. LOL My youngest sister called because she was the closest to me and wanted to know where I was. I felt bad because my nephew was with her and it was his birthday. I gave the officer the phone because I could not focus. She told me my dad was calling. I told her to stay on with my sister and I would call him when settled. She sat me down and I was able to lay my head down as she coordinated with my sister. For the first time, I thought my purse was safe so I could close my eyes voluntarily and rest. I dozed off on the cool slab as a cool breeze started flowing through the space. The next thing I knew, the officer was handing me the phone and told me my sister would be pulling up soon. I was already feeling much better.

I was so happy to see my sister and nephew! 🤗🤗🤗 I got in the car and went into a sleep coma. 😴 My sister said they were like – is she alright…is she breathing??? They felt better when my nephew could see my chest rise and fall. I got in some pretty good sleep because traffic was horrible. Rain in Atlanta….need I say more. We dropped my nephew off at the movies where my son was waiting with friends to celebrate his birthday. I went home and chilled on my new sectional (delivered the day before) with my mom. Dozed in and out all night while attempting to watch tv with her. We were still on the couch when the boys got in around midnight. They had a great time. Mommy ended up staying the night.🤗

What I learned:

  1. My family will always find and rescue me, especially with my mom leading. They are the real MVPs. 🏆❤️❤️
  2. Kindness can overpower my misophonia…slightly. Thank you Mr. SuckYoTeeth! 😕
  3. Cool slabs and floors cure most of my ills. This is the 4th time this happened to me and each time quality time on a cool surface was the main remedy. 👍🏽
    • middle school – the male gym teachers and boys in the gym pulled mats to get me off the floor.
    • right before high school while babysitting. My sisters didn’t know wth was going on
    • high school – at the college tour. When they found me in the stairwell, they thought I was possessed
    • adulthood – yesterday…on Marta. Yeah – that happened.
  4. Vanity pretty much goes out the window when this shit hits. Watch out menopause! 🤦🏽‍♀️
  5. I am obsessed with my purse 👜

Thank you Officer Bello…I got you…soon 👩🏽‍✈️🤗

Thank you family. You always, always have my back. They were all calling trying to check in and find a resolution. Love them muy!!!! ❤️❤️❤️ Y’all know they are already clowning though. My niece just told me she’s getting me a life alert for Christmas.


This that bullshit…

These Marta folks are liars. When I arrived, the platform was packed and I started checking the board…hoping my train was not next because I wanted the crowd to thin out a bit before my train arrived. When the train finally showed up, of course it was mine. So I filed in with the rest of the sardines.🙄
We started to chug along, but we only made it to one stop. While we sat for about 10-15 minutes, a lady’s voice kept coming on to say we were waiting for 2 trains to move ahead of us and she thanked us for our patience. I should’ve known then she was a liar. I looked around and patience was not what I saw – everyone had that this is bullshit look on their face.😒 All of a sudden, it sounded as if she turned the train off and her voice came back to say the train was out of service…OUR TRAIN. 😲 I thought she said it was the other train – I thought they were the assholes in the way. Now, WE were the assholes in the way…getting off the train, packing the platform, about to fight for a seat on what would surely be a packed train. I could no longer roll my eyes at the other folks I was blaming (although they had no control of the situation). I had to humble myself as I entered the new train of irritated faces. Luckily, I was able to beat a few folks to a seat with a lady who looked like she’d be a decent seat mate – hips fit on her side, no gum/food, no weird smells. Unfortunately, I couldn’t say that for the man standing over me. I think he’s still counting on yesterday’s shower.🙊
As I settled into my new seat and the doors closed, I realized I was on the wrong train. I had to remember to get off before the last transfer point. I did. When the correct train arrived, it was packed af! Now here I stand…holding on…balancing all my shit…with a bunch of armpits in my face…LATE. This really is that bullshit!😩😩😩

MartaMe Memory 10.26.16

All of these empty seats and his hummin’ ass sits next to me. It’s waaay too early in the morning for this musty shit. And, he has the nerve to have on two shirts. He ain’t Sure about shit today! lol I want to ask him to take the mustiest one off cause the way he is assaulting my nose, both shirts have to be assailants. He needs to put them right back in the laundry basket he grabbed them from this morning. My nose really doesn’t deserve this.

MartaMe · MisoMe

No sandwiches allowed!

It started out well…

But, that didn’t last long.  Dude next to me is offending all my senses right now.  First, he flops down next to me smelling like an ashtray full of unfinished cigarettes.  Then, he pulled a sandwich out of a ziplock bowl and started devouring it.  No exaggeration –  dude is munching on that sandwich so hard and fast, continuously turning it so he can bite it from all angles.  He is chewing so hard, I can see his cheeks moving up and down out of my peripheral. That should be difficult because I have turned my body as far as I can towards the window so I can sneak breaths in every now and then.  He is in violation of the almost all the seat mate laws! He’s alternating between killing that sandwich, drinking water, picking his teeth, and licking his fingers!😩😩😩 How big is that f*cking sandwich?!!!😒 How can he still be eating it after all of those rotating big bites?  I think it grows every time he bites it.  And, all of that finger licking on this filthy train…yuckety!  I feel like offering him a hand wipe, but I think he is finishing up because he’s rotating through all the movements at an even quicker pace.  Hold up – this mofo just took out a napkin, wet it, and wiped his hands…after he ate! I can’t with him.  SEAT MATE GRADE: E!!!!!!!!!

Picking teeth licking fingers

Am I being punk’d…for real, who sent him?


MartaMe Memory 10.22.14

Dude is on the train for 6 stops with an unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth. That’s some pressed shit right there! Now, I know I have to beat him to the escalator cause that tells me he’s the type who would light up while on it. Glad I have my Nikes on. #traintribulations

I believe every home has a distinct smell and when people come out, they carry that smell on their clothes. With that said, some of these folks need to febreze, plug in, fry the fish outside…do something! They have me up here sniffing my damn self. #trainsmells #ihatemynose

MartaMe · MisoMe

MartaMe Memory 10.20.16

She’s asleep!!! This lady rides the train and shuttle with me almost every day AND she pops her gum on every other “expletive” chew. I have wished for her to bite her tongue, her jaw, her lip…anything to make her boycott gum. But, I can be nice today because she’s asleep and luckily, she doesn’t chew in her sleep. I can go even further and hope she does not get whiplash…she is copping a serious nod so that neck keeps snapping. Uh oh…she just woke up…popping like crazy…I hope she bites a few taste buds off.😠


Mama said we can’t have no mo company 

Back on Marta and it’s too murch!  I got here earlier than I have in months and the platform is packed.  My standing spot and all spots near it were occupied so I had to stand further down…knowing I wouldn’t be able to get on my normal car.  It ended up being a blessing in disguise!  When the train pulled up, my normal car was pitch black.  So, all of those folks had to scramble to get to another car.  That’s what they get for standing in my spot!  😜

The train instantly filled up. I knew it was going to be a packed, damp, smelly ride so I prepared my nose for combat.  The next stop fully packed the train – even the aisles.  I considered giving this lady standing near me my seat, but decided against it when I looked closer and surmised that she was probably in her 40s (like me).  This is where those age tags would come in really handy.

The further we went, the more we started to look like sardines in this joint.  There was a serious traffic jam at the door every time the train stopped.  This dude who looks like Method Man has been standing at the door since the 2nd stop, so he’s been dealing with the traffic jams for a while. At the last stop, a man in casual business attire was attempting to board when Meth blocked the path and said, “Momma said we can’t have no mo company.”😂  Fortunately, J. Crew had a sense of humor too and laughed as Meth moved over so he could squeeze in. 😁


MartaMe Memory 9.28.15

My first thoughts are my best thoughts. As I was walking down the steps at the train station, the lights started flickering. I instantly imagined myself in a video and thought about sliding down the handrail and breaking out in serious choreo! I should’ve acted on it and just assumed everyone else would follow suit. LOL Perhaps, watching the Chris Brown video on the train factored in. But, the main factor was me thinking, “I still got it!”😂😂😂😂😂

MartaMe · MisoMe

Welcome back…not

It’s my first day back on the train since Thursday (6 days ago) and my first thought is WHAT IN THE EXPLETIVE IS THAT EXPLETIVE SMELL!!! And, what in the expletive is this! I really hope it’s milk.😳

I worked from home Friday and Irma came through and shut a few things down Monday, including Marta.  Yesterday, Marta was running on a limited schedule so I worked from home again.  Today is supposed to be the regular schedule.  But when I got to the station today, the sign indicated it would be 7 minutes until my train arrived. I can just miss my train and the sign will usually show 5 min until my next train.  I know I didn’t just miss one because the platform was packed.  And, when the train pulled in, it was almost packed.  That’s how I ended up in the yuck seat next to good ole wide eyes 👀.  She has never sat next to me before.  Every time I beat her, she sits a few rows away from my smirking ass.  Not today.  She plopped down right next to me because seating was limited and like me, she probably couldn’t figure out where that expletive smell is coming from.  I may be an ass but I don’t stink, so she chose wisely.  It didn’t last long though.  The people in front of me got off two stops later and I excused myself and brushed past wide eyes as I raced a girl who was boarding and eyeing my new, used seat.  I won!  And, it was clean…well clean for Marta.

Now, here I sit…unable to inhale.  Every time I try to sneak a breath, I am hit with a myriad of unpleasant smells…onions, sweat, burnt hair, coffee, what seems to be undercarriage funk, and who knows what else.  It’s all bad.  I swear I would wear an air purifying helmet on this joint if there was one available.  Be on this joint like…

If my seat mate folds or adjust this damn blanket one mo damn time, I’m going to scream!!! She could’ve at least fluffed that joint with a fabric sheet before bringing it.  It could’ve helped with this morning’s olfactory assault.  SEAT MATE GRADE: C

I must say, this welcome back sucks!